What do you do when your child lashes out with you with their words?
I got to deal with this one yesterday. To set the scene, it’s been a pretty stressful couple of weeks at our house. I’ve been working a lot and getting significantly less than the recommended 8 hours of sleep (sleep deprivation = cranky mommy).
My 5-year-old refused to eat his dinner last night (which I am okay with. I always give my boys to eat their dinner later or the option to wait till breakfast).
We went about our evening and made it to bedtime. As we were going through our bedtime routine of tooth brushing, getting into pajamas, and getting ready to read stories.
Eli told me he was hungry. I politely told him that he could finish his dinner or wait till breakfast. *Enter emotional tirade.*
In his frustration at the injustice of being offered reheated dinner or waiting till breakfast, Eli angrily declared, “Mom! I don’t love you anymore! You are too old and you are NOT my princess anymore!”
In my sleep deprived and stressed out state, I did what any responsible and mature adult would do … I broke into tears.
For whatever reason, those words spoken in haste from my 5-year-old who was lashing out at the perceived injustices of the child-parent relationship cut me to the core and were extremely hurtful. Yes, I know that my stressed out state, combined with a pinch of PMS, and a hint of uneasiness at getting older (is this a mid-life crisis?) were major contributors to my emotional response.
Yet thoughts of “How dare my son tell me he doesn’t love me after all I do for him?” and “Why is he is making his love conditional – giving it to me and taking it away!” and “Am I really getting that old?”
Through the blur of my own hot, stinging tears, and the hurt of those words I also saw the opportunity to talk to my son about the power of words. So I wiped my eyes and blew my nose (I don’t cry prettily), and went in to talk to Eli.
Here are some of the important things I shared with him.
Words are Powerful
Our words are very powerful. Once they leave our mouth, we cannot take them back. Because our words are powerful, we get to use that power in a responsible way. We get to be conscious of the things we say to other people, especially when we are angry.
It’s Okay to Get Mad
It is okay for him to be angry at mom. I encouraged him to tell me “Mommy, I’m really angry at you right now,” or “Mommy, I am really frustrated at you because you … (X,Y,Z).” Those are completely appropriate and very valid way to express what he is feeling.
The more I study and the more I research, the more I realize how important it is for our kids to be allowed to feel their emotions.
Feelings are always valid
If I would have told Eli “You shouldn’t feel that way,” when he said he didn’t love me anymore, that would have given him the message that there was something wrong with what he was feeling. If kids feel that you disapprove of what they are feeling, they will learn to stuff those emotions which has all sorts of negative repercussions.
Parenting By The Minute Solutions:
Validating emotions is easy! You can help your child process their emotions in about 60 seconds. If you see your child angry, mirror to them what you see them feeling.
“I see that you look really angry. When he hit you, that made you feel really upset, didn’t it?”
“You look really scared. When that dog barked at you it made you feel really scared, right?”
“Ouch! You just bonked your head! That really hurts, doesn’t it?”
“Wow, you are really mad at Mom for telling you that you have to eat your dinner if you are hungry. That feels really unfair, doesn’t it? That must be really frustrating for you.”
Logic and Emotions Don’t Mix
It still amazes me at how well validating emotions works. Don’t use logic with emotions to rationalize them away. Your child really is feeling what they are feeling, and that is okay. When you help your child work through your emotions, it will quickly diffuse the drama and allow you all to move on and enjoy each other more.
Next time your child is gets mad, frustrated, scared, or embarrassed take a minute and talk to them and try validating whatever they are feeling.
